Lilypie - Memorial

Monday, 18 May 2015

3 Years

Today marks 3 years since Clara was born. What would life be like with a 3 year old? I always wonder what she would have been like, who she took after, who she would resemble. This year has been different then the rest. This year, I have a busy toddler on my hands who is so fasinated by the world and has learned so much, developed so much. At times, these milestones and some of the moments I share with little M, make me reflect on the things that I'm missing out on with Clara. She will never be able to hug or kiss me or I will never get to see her get excited over the little things, like seeing a dog. I just miss her especially today.


Monday, 2 February 2015

In Memory of Clara

M is growing and developing so quickly. It's so amazing to see her transition to this happy, energetic and curious toddler. My whole life is devoted to raising this wonderful little girl. At times of reflection, sometimes I envision what life would be like with Clara and M. Other times, I feel so robbed of the same experiences with M that I should of had with Clara. There's also feelings of guilt, that I could do more for her whether it's visiting her at the garden more often or putting more effort on decorating her space.

My thoughts now are shifted on how to honour her memory. To use some of that effort that should of been expended on raising her towards something positive. I've recently signed up to volunteer at an organization that helps moms who are suffering from pregnancy or infant loss. I know it could be emotionally exhausting endevour but I feel good about using this as a vehicle to honour my daughter. I know in my own personal journey, it was immensely helpful just to know that I wasn't suffering alone in my grief, that someone understood exactly how it felt. I will find other ways to honour Clara but I thought this was a great place to start.

After Shocks

This post wast written months ago and I intended to finish it but never got around to it. I thought I would post it because the after shocks are still there.

If I had to use an analogy, Clara's death was a earthquake. It shook me to my core and has damaged parts of me that can never be repaired to its original state. Everything that happens afterwards, the after shocks, is a reminder of that big event. Or is it that event that influences how you feel in different situations in the future. M is coming through a nursing strike. In the very midst of it, I feared that something bad was going to happen, that she wanted to starve. That she was going to leave me too.