2 years

Tomorrow marks the 2 year mark since Clara left us. I've been dreading this day for the past month, everyday knowing that her birthday was inching closer. Each day wondering what it would be like to have a 2 year old Clara with her little sister. Knowing having her here with me, I would feel like I had it all. Living each day, knowing something just isn't quite right. Especially on a day that celebrates mothers. It felt strange this year to enter this day with M, so grateful for her but unable to fully enjoy it without Clara.

2 years. It seems so long ago yet not that far away. I can still picture clear as day, the face of my nurse as the OB was performing the ultrasound. The face that told me that my daughter had died before the words were spoken. The feeling that if I protested enough, somehow it could bring her back.  I try my best not to go back to this moment in time that scratch away at the scabs that have grown over my heart, threatening to expose the deepest flesh of my pain.

2 years is hard. Life has moved on. I have healed significantly. I have M to care for. M has brought happiness back to my life. It feels strange and I can't pinpoint why I feel this way. Perhaps a bit of guilt, feeling like I've left her behind.

I love and miss Clara dearly.

I had a new necklace made, each stone commemorates each of my daughters birth month. I will never forget the joy and love Clara brought into my life,

Clara's Little Sister

Clara's little sister Mikayla graced us with her presence 3 weeks early on December 8, 2013. I am so relieved that she is here safe and sound. Every night before bed, I tell her that mama loves her, dada loves her and her big sister loves her.

M has brought so much joy back into my life and I am grateful. At times, I do find it difficult as I should have had all the same experiences that I'm having with M with Clara. I used to sing hush little baby to Clara often. When I started to sing this lullaby to M, tears flowed steadily from my eyes. I also wonder what her personality would be like. M is taking extra long to get a hang of breastfeeding and I wonder how Clara would have done. Even now, amidst the business of having a new baby, she is on my mind often. I miss her everyday.