Lilypie - Memorial

Saturday, 12 October 2013

Anxiety

Unfortunately that is how I would describe my life right now. Clara's little sister has made it to 28 weeks, surpassing the size of her big sister. Living through the last few weeks, feels like I'm reliving over and over again the experience of losing her. I know this is a different pregnancy and a different baby but I can't shake the feeling that the two will end with the same fate. I can't imagine that at the end of this, I get to bring home a baby.

So I relive those tragic days, up to the delivery of my precious first born with the expectation that something bad is going to happen to this little one. The past few weeks have been filled with anxiety attacks and quick runs to the L&D. My last trip was by far the worse, the nurse couldn't find the the heartbeat. So, she called a second nurse to help her. All we heard was my heartbeat thumping. Then in less than a minute, I was surrounded by the OB team and I was spiraling out of control and I could keep saying "this can't be happening again". Thankfully, the ultrasound showed baby's little fluttering heart and all is progressing well.

Clara's little sister is already over 700 g heavier than she was at birth. I don't know why I even try to compare. But at the end of it, I think it's so unfair that Clara's not here with me and her sister. I should have both my girls.

I knew a subsequent pregnancy wouldn't be easy but I had no idea it was going to be this hard. This grief is forever intertwined and deeply rooted within me. I'm thankful for everyday that I have with this little one, I just wish it could be easier. I wish I could be blissfully ignorant that bad things do happen but alas, I know they do.