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Lately, I haven't had the need to post here. It has been a place, an outlet for my feelings during especially difficult days, crying through each word that I typed. There were the really bad days, where I couldn't find a reason to get out of bed. Those days are lessening and have turned into days where the tears last a few minutes here and there.

I was reading a post from another BLM where she talked about her suicidal thoughts but in the end all she wanted was the pain to go away. In the early days, there seem to be no relief from the pain. It was a constant sharp pain that was felt acutely with every breath taken - only sleep would bring you temporary relief. Even then, according to my husband, I would have nightmares.

Ten months later, I can sit here and say the pain does change. You have to allow yourself to take time out and do the things you once enjoyed, to be distracted by the pain. You have to give yourself permission to find relief and to do so does not mean you loved your little one any less. I still feel pangs of guilt. I was singing to M.adonna's Holiday and when we got to the part "take sometime to celebrate" - I felt a pang of guilt even saying the word celebrate. How could I ever feel celebratory again let alone say the words in a silly song? I don't think anyone truly recovers from being a BLM, you simply survive it - somehow. Getting back to the pain, it does change over time. For me, it has become more dull and most times, bearable. I think it will always be there. My life will never be ok without Clara but all I can I do is push forward as best I can.

Stagnant

One of the hardest parts of a baby loss mama's journey is that there is no recipe book to recovery, it's a journey that is specific to the individual. Often times, I feel alone in my mourning even more so now that months have past and the brief memories are fading with my family and friends. I miss my little girl more with each day and these feelings are mine alone to endure. It's even more difficult, that my life is going back to the way it was before she was conceived - it just doesn't feel right.

I'm forced to be this 'stronger' person to push forward - to live each day as it comes.  There's the good days and the bad days. But every day I live with a gaping hole in my fragile heart and can never be filled. It's this fragile heart that I try protect very carefully from the outside world threatening to shatter it. I think I reached stagnation in my journey and I don't know if I can get any better then this and yet I know I have yet still a long road ahead of me. I don't know if I will ever be able to let my guard down and expose myself to the world of families with babes. I can't bare to see it and being constantly reminded of everything I have lossed. I don't know if I can let people in without expecting them to dissaappoint me or hurt me.

All I know is this life has given me more than anyone should have to bear and yet so many women are left enduring this tragic loss. It's shaken my being to the core and I am changed forever.