Lilypie - Memorial

Monday, 18 February 2013

The Year of Firsts and 9 Months

This is a long weekend in Canada in recognition of Family Day. This time last year is when we we felt comfortable enough to share with the entire world our happy news - we were expecting a baby! I felt compelled to tell our news in a unique way and what better way was there then the fortune cookie.

There was so much hope and excitement for the future. Perhaps, it's better that we don't have crystal balls and I was able to relish every second that I was pregnant. All the love, excitement and care I was able to share with my daughter and my husband - my family.

The year of firsts. The first Halloween, Christmas, New Year, Chinese New Year, Valentines Day, Family Day, the endless list of firsts I won't have Clara here to celebrate with. Then there are the landmarks in time that pass, the moment we told our families, our first ultrasound, our anatomy scan and the soon to be anniversary/birthday. This past couple of weeks, some of the occasions where spaced to close together for me to digest easily.

All these emotions that have been hitting me had me feeling a little down. I'm starting to feel stronger but there are moments, hours or even entire days that catch me off guard. There was a day in particular where I felt so alone and I could grab the pain I felt during the early days. Then the phone rings. A friend who stepped up and has supported me through my entire loss. Her and her husband have been amazing and I am so grateful to have them in my life. And for the first time, I didn't feel like I was being punished by the universe. I still think the universe has a habit of throwing  at me, pregnant women, babies that would have been Clara's age and most recently a mother of 9.

So as hard as the year of firsts is and the 9 month mark is, I'm so grateful the loving and caring people in my life. I couldn't have made it this far without them.

Sunday, 10 February 2013

Goodbye Year of the Dragon

Clara was born in the year of the dragon, the year according to the Chinese calendar is associated with good fortune. A year that ended yesterday. I hate the end of things - always. This past year, I've also added the dreaded feelings towards holidays and special occasions. They all have been markers of my firsts of many occasions without my daughter. So, even Chinese New Year is a challenge without her. As everyone prepares their red pocket money - I know Clara isn't apart of their preparation. As each of these events go, the most important person to me goes unrecognized. It's the pain in my heart that reminds me she was here and she is most certainly loved and missed.

So ends the year of the dragon. Hopefully, the year of the snake brings me the happiness I know I deserve.
Year Of The Dragon