Anxiety

Unfortunately that is how I would describe my life right now. Clara's little sister has made it to 28 weeks, surpassing the size of her big sister. Living through the last few weeks, feels like I'm reliving over and over again the experience of losing her. I know this is a different pregnancy and a different baby but I can't shake the feeling that the two will end with the same fate. I can't imagine that at the end of this, I get to bring home a baby.

So I relive those tragic days, up to the delivery of my precious first born with the expectation that something bad is going to happen to this little one. The past few weeks have been filled with anxiety attacks and quick runs to the L&D. My last trip was by far the worse, the nurse couldn't find the the heartbeat. So, she called a second nurse to help her. All we heard was my heartbeat thumping. Then in less than a minute, I was surrounded by the OB team and I was spiraling out of control and I could keep saying "this can't be happening again". Thankfully, the ultrasound showed baby's little fluttering heart and all is progressing well.

Clara's little sister is already over 700 g heavier than she was at birth. I don't know why I even try to compare. But at the end of it, I think it's so unfair that Clara's not here with me and her sister. I should have both my girls.

I knew a subsequent pregnancy wouldn't be easy but I had no idea it was going to be this hard. This grief is forever intertwined and deeply rooted within me. I'm thankful for everyday that I have with this little one, I just wish it could be easier. I wish I could be blissfully ignorant that bad things do happen but alas, I know they do. 

My Two Girls

I'm pregnant. It's still hard to say those words, somehow it still feels like a dream or an abstract thought despite my budding belly. I mean really budding. I'm 20 weeks and have a little girl on board. I think part of the hesitation to saying those words is because I know all too well that pregnancy doesn't equal a living baby at the end. The other part was that I had a subchorionic hematoma in my system for 13 weeks that caused a lot of spotting and bleeding. At the beginning of my pregnancy, I was given 50/50 odds of miscarrying. And so, the thought of announcing a pregnancy was difficult. I haven't really announced it but if someone asks me, I tell them the truth.

It was hard to grieve while I was so worried about this little one. The hematoma and traces of it were gone by 17 weeks and all the testing has gone well. Despite worrying about a repeat performance of my pregnancy with Clara, the time to reflect and grieve opens up. But now, I think about my two girls and my family. If I allow myself to think about the best possible outcome, one thing remains, Clara will never be here on earth to share it with us. My innocence has been stolen from me and even in the good moments, it's bittersweet because I know something is missing. This little one has helped the healing process but she won't be able to hide the void of missing my other little girl. 

It feels like a constant struggle between what is here right now, what can happen and the past. DH wants me to stay positive and send good vibes to this baby. But there are pockets in time, where the tears still flow. Loving this new baby and missing Clara is what is what I need to fit into my life right now. I just have to adjust.

My Clara Bear

This week, I received a package from Molly Bears - my custom teddy bear weighted to Clara's birth weight. As I held this teddy bear, all the memories of the day I got to spend with my daughter came flooding back. Like how how I held her close to me and how hubby fed me, so I didn't have to let go not even for a minute. No words can express how much this gift means to me. 

There's this one song that I've been hearing over and over again on the radio, Kiss Goodnight. Each time, it brings tears to my eyes and brings me back to May 18th. 

 

Clara's 1st Birthday

Dear Clara,
It's your first birthday and I wish more than anything that you were here with me. One year ago today, it was the best and worse day of my life. I got to meet my beautiful baby girl but in the same day I had to say good-bye. This past week, I was thinking a lot about were we would be if you could stay - our walks together, pushing you on the swing. I wondering what you would like like - if you would resemble your mommy or your daddy. It would have been the perfect life, I couldn't even imagine anything better.

I can still remember the day we got to spend together like it was yesterday. Those special moments we spent together replay over and over in my head. Your daddy and I hold on to them close to our hearts every day. He's sad too that you aren't with us today.

Daddy tells me I need to be strong today and I know I have to try. I just wanted you to know how much I love you and miss you.

Happy Birthday to my sweet little girl.

Mommy

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Lately, I haven't had the need to post here. It has been a place, an outlet for my feelings during especially difficult days, crying through each word that I typed. There were the really bad days, where I couldn't find a reason to get out of bed. Those days are lessening and have turned into days where the tears last a few minutes here and there.

I was reading a post from another BLM where she talked about her suicidal thoughts but in the end all she wanted was the pain to go away. In the early days, there seem to be no relief from the pain. It was a constant sharp pain that was felt acutely with every breath taken - only sleep would bring you temporary relief. Even then, according to my husband, I would have nightmares.

Ten months later, I can sit here and say the pain does change. You have to allow yourself to take time out and do the things you once enjoyed, to be distracted by the pain. You have to give yourself permission to find relief and to do so does not mean you loved your little one any less. I still feel pangs of guilt. I was singing to M.adonna's Holiday and when we got to the part "take sometime to celebrate" - I felt a pang of guilt even saying the word celebrate. How could I ever feel celebratory again let alone say the words in a silly song? I don't think anyone truly recovers from being a BLM, you simply survive it - somehow. Getting back to the pain, it does change over time. For me, it has become more dull and most times, bearable. I think it will always be there. My life will never be ok without Clara but all I can I do is push forward as best I can.

Stagnant

One of the hardest parts of a baby loss mama's journey is that there is no recipe book to recovery, it's a journey that is specific to the individual. Often times, I feel alone in my mourning even more so now that months have past and the brief memories are fading with my family and friends. I miss my little girl more with each day and these feelings are mine alone to endure. It's even more difficult, that my life is going back to the way it was before she was conceived - it just doesn't feel right.

I'm forced to be this 'stronger' person to push forward - to live each day as it comes.  There's the good days and the bad days. But every day I live with a gaping hole in my fragile heart and can never be filled. It's this fragile heart that I try protect very carefully from the outside world threatening to shatter it. I think I reached stagnation in my journey and I don't know if I can get any better then this and yet I know I have yet still a long road ahead of me. I don't know if I will ever be able to let my guard down and expose myself to the world of families with babes. I can't bare to see it and being constantly reminded of everything I have lossed. I don't know if I can let people in without expecting them to dissaappoint me or hurt me.

All I know is this life has given me more than anyone should have to bear and yet so many women are left enduring this tragic loss. It's shaken my being to the core and I am changed forever.

The Year of Firsts and 9 Months

This is a long weekend in Canada in recognition of Family Day. This time last year is when we we felt comfortable enough to share with the entire world our happy news - we were expecting a baby! I felt compelled to tell our news in a unique way and what better way was there then the fortune cookie.

There was so much hope and excitement for the future. Perhaps, it's better that we don't have crystal balls and I was able to relish every second that I was pregnant. All the love, excitement and care I was able to share with my daughter and my husband - my family.

The year of firsts. The first Halloween, Christmas, New Year, Chinese New Year, Valentines Day, Family Day, the endless list of firsts I won't have Clara here to celebrate with. Then there are the landmarks in time that pass, the moment we told our families, our first ultrasound, our anatomy scan and the soon to be anniversary/birthday. This past couple of weeks, some of the occasions where spaced to close together for me to digest easily.

All these emotions that have been hitting me had me feeling a little down. I'm starting to feel stronger but there are moments, hours or even entire days that catch me off guard. There was a day in particular where I felt so alone and I could grab the pain I felt during the early days. Then the phone rings. A friend who stepped up and has supported me through my entire loss. Her and her husband have been amazing and I am so grateful to have them in my life. And for the first time, I didn't feel like I was being punished by the universe. I still think the universe has a habit of throwing  at me, pregnant women, babies that would have been Clara's age and most recently a mother of 9.

So as hard as the year of firsts is and the 9 month mark is, I'm so grateful the loving and caring people in my life. I couldn't have made it this far without them.

Goodbye Year of the Dragon

Clara was born in the year of the dragon, the year according to the Chinese calendar is associated with good fortune. A year that ended yesterday. I hate the end of things - always. This past year, I've also added the dreaded feelings towards holidays and special occasions. They all have been markers of my firsts of many occasions without my daughter. So, even Chinese New Year is a challenge without her. As everyone prepares their red pocket money - I know Clara isn't apart of their preparation. As each of these events go, the most important person to me goes unrecognized. It's the pain in my heart that reminds me she was here and she is most certainly loved and missed.

So ends the year of the dragon. Hopefully, the year of the snake brings me the happiness I know I deserve.

Be Careful What You Ask For

Last time I posted I was in really rough shape, thank you for the messages of concern - I know I will be fine. It's just gets really hard sometimes as you can understand.

So I asked for a glimmer or a speckle of hope and did I get it. It looks like I'm experiencing a chemical pregnancy - meaning my little bean is trying to implant but did quite make it. I'm taking it hard. Not to belittle anyone who is experencing the same thing because it is the loss of hope for a great future - but it's easier than when Clara died. At the end of all of this, I could sum it up that little bean was probably chromosomally abnormal. With Clara, she was perfectly healthy - I was able to see her, feel her and watch my belly grow. It's just when I'm upset - it all gets piled on top of the existing grief. There's no situation in my life where being upset that doesn't get piled on top of my grief.

My next wish is to hold my living breathing, healthy and happy baby in my arms and to be able to watch him/her grow until my time is up. I don't think the universe can misconstrue that request. 

8 months

I'm still waiting for the part where people tell me it gets easier. I'm not going to lie, 8 months and its still hard as hell. I still miss her more than I ever could have imagined.

Before loss, I never understood why people committed suicide - I was naive and I thought you could just deal with what ever life threw your way. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal. But I can now understand how so much pain could really push you over the edge. It may seem like the only way out - the only source of relief. How no matter how hard you try, lady luck just doesn't look your way. Life just sucks for some people and I just have to accept that I'm apart of that group with sucky lives. I just wish I could see some light - just an ounce, a glimmer.

Relief and Thoughts

It's still hard and I don't think it will ever be easy - but thank goodness December is gone! I look back at the past month and the tears were flowing easily and frequently. In the thick of it, I thought that is what my life would be like on a daily basis. Now that the month has past, I am finding relief. The load on my heart has lifted a little and I can function again. I feel almost human.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the people who have disappointed me through this journey. The people that I've supported through their own time of personal strife, the people who I thought loved me or the people who should have loved Clara the most. These people should have been there for me or at the time, for Clara but weren't. It just plain hurts and that's compiled on top of the pain of losing my daughter. There's no apologies, no communication, no love. At this point, I still don't know how to let go of the anger and the disappointment. I know I should for my own personal well being.

In the past, when I've had relationships that weren't working or healthy - I would let these people go and sever all ties with them. It took me many years to realize that was what was best for me and I don't have any regret in doing so - the only regret I have is enduring those relationships as long as I did. This time it's not so easy when these people are embedded in your life in a way you cannot sever completely. How do I move forward? I don't have all the answers but I accept that I don't have to figure it our right now.